Five Stages
by squintyeyes88
Summary: There are five stages of grief. Sometimes, the only way to overcome a tragic loss is to push away everything you've ever loved...
1. Stage 1: Denial

_**The loss of a pregnancy, no matter how early, is never an easy thing. **_

Stage One: Denial

Denial is defined as: Becoming angry and irritable when reference is made to the condition. This helps to avoid the issue. Ziva knew that she should have the courage to face what was happening to her. However, she refused to accept what was happening to her. The baby had finally started to seem real. The first fluttering movements had driven home the fact that she was going to be a mom. She was nearly sixteen weeks pregnant, but her doctor's visit that day had not gone as planned. It seemed as that her body was rebeling against the tiny life that rested inside her.

She closed her eyes and let the tears flow freely from her eyes. She took this as her punishment. Her baby was paying for her deeds. For all the innocent and not so innocent lives that she herself took. No matter how she looked at it, she supposed that this was just payment for her deeds.

She and Tony had only been married for three months when she found out that she was pregnant. At first, she had been scared. Scared of telling Tony. They had wanted to wait at least a year before they had a baby. However, it seemed that fate had other ideas for them. So, she told him one morning when they were on their way to work. The smile on his face made her feel better than she had in days.

The morning had started out bright and sunny. She had kissed Tony and headed off to her doctor's appointment. It was supposed to be just a routine visit. They were going to check her vital signs and make sure that the pregnancy was progressing normally and that the baby was growing according to schedule. She had no indication that anything was wrong. Everything seemed blissfully normal that morning. She felt happy and even sang along to the songs on the radio.

She knew that something was wrong the moment she saw the doctor's face. It told her that there was something wrong. Even if his words had broken through the fog that had enveloped her brain. She heard words like, no fetal heartbeat. Incompetent cervix. Termination of pregnancy.

She heard the words, but could not comprehend their meaning. She sat up and took the piece of paper that the doctor handed her. It had instructions for her to follow. The doctor scheduled a D&C for the following morning at the hospital.

She remembered very little of the drive home from the doctor's office that day. She climbed the stairs to their bedroom and climbed into bed. Still fully clothed. She closed her eyes and tried to pretend that the day was just a bad dream.

When Tony came home that day, she knew that it was not a dream. She remembered telling him about the doctor's visit. She saw the look that passed over his face. She remembers him crawling into bed beside her and holding her while she cried. She remembered the feeling of his strong arms around her while she cried. Most of all she remembered feeling as if this was all her fault somehow. That it was something she did or did not do to cause their baby to die.

The following morning was just as sunny as the previous one had been. She remembered waking up and feeling her gently rounded stomach. She remembered thinking that the doctor had been wrong. That she was still pregnant and that the baby was okay and would be born in a little over five months. It was to be their Christmas baby. Even though she did not really celebrate Christmas, it was still a special time for Tony. So, it would make it just as special for her.

She was downstairs making breakfast and whistling a tune when Tony brought up what had happened yesterday. She shook her head and steadfastly refused to talk about it. She broke down into tears when he insisted that it was true. Their baby was gone. It could not be gone. She still felt pregnant. The baby was still inside of her. Just below her heart. It was only when Tony mentioned the hospital visit today that she broke down into tears. She threw a vase at him, stormed from the room and slammed the door to their bedroom. She steadfastly denied that their baby was destined to never be born.

It was hard for Tony to take her to the hospital that day. She kicked and fought him the entire time. He finally managed to get her into the car. He hated seeing her cry. It nearly killed him to watch the tears running silently down her cheeks. He wished that he could take her grief for his own. Make it apart of himself, rather than what it was doing to her.

Coming home that night was worse than anything they had donw before. Ziva wouldn't talk to him. Wouldn't look at him. She didn't want to be in the same room with him. It was as if he had committed some vile offense. She thought that he had helped get rid of their baby. So, she isolated herself in their bedroom. Refusing to come out for anything.

Tony had no idea of how to make it better. He didn't know if he could make it better. It seemed like anything he said or did only served to make it worse. So, he did what was possibly the worst thing he could have done. He left her alone. Alone with her thoughts and alone with her tears. He took to sleeping on the couch.

She was so lost in thier big bed. Tony would stand in the doorway and watch her cry. He wanted to do something. Anything to make her feel better, but he had no idea what to do to make her talk to him.

It went on like that for a few weeks. Neither speaking to the other. Ziva drew deeper into herself and isolated herself from their friends and loved ones. Their pain was so deep and so raw that it threatened to devour them whole. It also threatened to pull them apart. For what was once a strong marriage, had become merely a shadow of a once strong relationship...


	2. Stage 2: Anger

_**Thanks for the reviews. They are truly helpful and very wonderful. This chapter deals with a bit of anger and other emotions. Grief and anger can mix and become very potent...**_

_**Lost you before I found you  
Gone before you came  
But I love you just the same  
Missed you before I met you  
On earth we never can  
But in heaven we'll meet again **_

_**Still- Gerritt Hofsink**_

Stage 2 Anger-

The definition of the word anger means to make angry; enrage or provoke.

Tony stood just outside their bedroom and looked at Ziva's back. No matter what he had tried to say to her, she refused to talk to him about her feelings. He understood that she was upset. He was upset too. It had been his baby too. She acted like he had no reason to be upset at the way that she was acting. There was a distance between them now. Instead of healing itself, it was growing deeper and stronger by the day.

Tony had had enough. He was going to get Ziva to talk to her. No matter what.

So, he went into their bedroom and sat beside her. She didn't open her eyes. She didn't even acknowledge his presence. She simply laid there in her near catatonic state. It was as if he ceased to exist to her.

Tony pushed the eye out of her eyes and whispered, "We need to talk Zi. It's been almost three weeks since..."

Ziva whispered, "I know how long it has been Tony."

"Do you really? Do you realize that you haven't talked to me in all that time? Three weeks and barely a word has come out of your mouth."

She sighed and said, "What would you have me do? Just forget that I lost my baby!"

Tony shook his head and said, "That's not what I'm talking about. It was my baby too Ziva."

"You act like you could care less. Like it is just another one of those things that happen. It looks like you have moved on."

Tony looked at her and whispered, "How do you know how I feel? You haven't asked me. You refuse to look at me. You refuse to talk to me. You walk around this house like a ghost. I love you Ziva. Come back to me. Please?"

Ziva shook her head and whispered, "I can't..."

Tony shook his head and whispered, "No Ziva. You can, but you won't. The baby is gone Ziva! It's time you got out of the house and face reality again!"

She simply looked at him and the tears rolled down her cheek. She reached out and slapped him. Hard. She whispered, "You think I do not know that. I am leaving you Tony. I do not know if or when I will be back. Do not come after me. It is your fault that my baby died Tony! You never wanted it!"

Then, she turned and walked out of their room. He heard their front door slam and Tony sat down on their bed and wondered if their marriage could be saved.

Ziva walked around for the longest time. She was angrier than she had ever been in her life. How dare Tony talk to her like that. She wanted to lash out at him. She wanted to make him just as mad as she was. She wanted to ease this ache that seemed to be ever present in her. The anger she felt however, did nothing to ease the way that her heart felt.

She loved Tony and part of her knew that she was not being fair to him. However, another part blamed him for their loss. Had he really wanted their baby? Had he wished for this to happen?

She was so confused as she walked. She felt the temperature dropping, but she did not care. All she wanted was for this ache inside her to go away.

She walked back inside their house and saw three suitcases packed and sitting in the front hallway. She swallowed hard and walked into the kitchen. She saw Tony standing at the window. He was looking outside and she was surprised when she heard him whisper, "I can't do this anymore Zi. We are both falling apart. Maybe we just need some time apart. I still love you. More than you will ever know. It was my baby too, but you act as if I have no right to be upset or lost."

Ziva swallowed a lump in her throat, "You are leaving me?"

Tony nodded, "We aren't healing Ziva. You're lost to me. You said that I didn't want the baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. That baby was our future. It meant everything to me. You are so blinded by your grief and anger that you can't see what is happening to us. We are both hurting and I don't know how to reach you."

Ziva wanted to say something. She wanted to beg him to stay. Wanted to tell him that they could work it out. That they could move forward. That she wanted to talk to him about her feelings. How she thought that losing the baby was really her fault, but in her anger, she had lashed out at him. She couldn't bring herself to say any of these things however. So, she simply stood there and watched as he walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek. Then, she heard him whisper, "I love you Ziva. I will always love you."

"Then stay with me. Please?"

Tony shook his head, "I can't. We aren't..."

Ziva knew that she could not let him just simply walk out of her life. She had to fight for the man that she loved. She walked into his chest and whispered, "I love you Tony. I am just hurting so much right now."

Tony felt his heart melt and whispered, "Me too Ziva. Me too..."

They stood there for the longest time and simply held each other. Their tears and grief mingling in the darkened room. They both knew that they were a long way from resolving anything, but this was better than anything that had happened in the past three weeks. Maybe, just maybe this was a step back towards healing. Their first of many steps that they needed to take to get back to each other...


	3. Stage 3: Bargaining

Thanks for all the alerts. They mean a lot to me. Reviews are nice too. LOL! This is a rather short chapter. The next ones should be a bit longer...There might also be more than two more chapter. I'm not really sure yet...

_**My heart is breaking  
I know it's true **_

Stage 3 Bargaining (The stages are in order. However, they can be experienced at any time. This chapter takes place after stage one, but before stage two.)

Ziva couldn't sleep that night. She walked over to window seat and wrapped herself in a blanket. She stared out at the dark night and rested her chin on her knees. She sighed and a tear slipped down her cheek.

She started talking to a God that she was not sure she believed in any longer, "I know that I have not talked to you in a long time. I have not been in a synagogue in more years than I can remember. I know that I do not deserve your ear. I have killed too many people." She placed a hand on her gently bulging stomach and continued, "However, my baby is an innocent."

She picked up an earlier Ultrasound and looked at it longingly. She closed her eyes to try and stop the tears that threatened to escape. She touched the picture gently and whispered, "If you require someone to take responsibility for my sins, I shall gladly take my child's place. I only ask that you allow him or her to be born first."

She looked over at the bed where Tony slept. She realized how much she loved him. The baby that she carried was an extension of that love. She had been scared to tell him at first. However, when she did tell him, the look of absolute joy on his face took away all her fears. Since that time, Tony made a point to talk to their baby every chance he had.

She felt that she had to do something, anything, to see that their baby had a chance. She knew it was hopeless, but it did not stop her from trying to bargain for her baby's life.

She knew the next morning that God had ignored her pleas and bargains. Tony led her into the clinic and she was asleep. When she woke, the look of sadness on Tony's face told her that their baby was gone. It was a look of absolute defeat. She knew that it would only be a matter of time before he left her. She was broken. She could not even bring their baby into the world.

It was then that she stopped making bargains with God. In fact, she very nearly stopped believing in God altogether. She wrapped herself in a cushion of grief and sadness. It had very nearly destroyed their marriage. She blamed Tony. She blamed herself and she was so very sure that Tony blamed her for the loss of their little one.

She could not look in his eyes that night. She simply closed herself off inside a wall of grief and refused to talk to him. Refused to open up and allow him to comfort her. She did not deserve his comfort. She deserved all of the pain and sadness that she was now feeling. It was the only penance that fit. She was so sure that their baby died because of her. Because of who she used to be.

She would not talk to Abby. She refused to talk to Gibbs. No one could cross the barrier of pain and grief that she had built around herself. She was not sure that she wanted the barrier crossed. It was easier to feel pain rather than pity...


	4. Stage 4: Depression

_**Okay, this chapter is told from both Ziva and Tony's points of view. My muse is being particularly stubborn with one person that's in this chapter. I tried to write it the way I wanted, but it just wasn't coming together. My muse wanted it written her way. So, I sort of compromised and used both. I hope you don't get too upset. I think that sometimes you need someone that's been through this to maybe step in and provide their own experiences. So, with that being said, my muse brought Jeanne into the story. **_

Stage 4: Depression

Tony stood at the doorway to their bedroom and watched Ziva as she slept. He wished that he could lay beside her and comfort her. However, anytime he tried to get close to her, she would push him away and leave the room. They hadn't slept in the same bed in nearly a month. Tears were a constant companion for her. He had never seen her act like this before. She was the strongest woman that he knew, but she was falling apart before his eyes.

She had quit work soon after she lost the baby. He hadn't wanted her to, but she couldn't face the people that they had both worked with. She spent her days looking out the window to their bedroom and her night curled up on their bed.

Tony leaned down and kissed her cheek softly. She opened her eyes briefly and whispered, "You should go. Gibbs will not like it if you are late."

Tony nodded. His heart broke for her. He had no idea what to do for her to ease her pain. He wanted his wife back. He knew that this was part of the grieving process, but she seemed so far away. Almost unreachable. He sighed and whispered, "I love you ninja."

She simply nodded, but made no attempt to say anything in return.

That night was hectic for the team. It ended with Tony ending up in the hospital. He had been shot in the shoulder. Gibbs wanted to call Ziva, but Tony had said, "She won't come anyway boss."

Gibbs simply looked at his senior agent and nodded. He knew that Tony and Ziva had been having problems since she lost their baby. The more people tried to talk to her, the deeper she pulled inside herself. She had locked herself away in a wall of grief and depression.

They took Tony into the emergency room to work on him. Tony had his eyes closed, but opened them quickly when he heard, "Well, well, if it isn't Tony."

Tony's eyes opened quickly and he whispered, "Jeanne."

"Always putting yourself in danger."

He nodded and smiled, "Always saving lives I see."

She smiled, "Of course."

She looked over his chart and said, "I see that you're married now. Have they called your wife?"

Tony shook his head softly, "No. She hasn't been out of our house since..."

He stopped short of revealing the event that threatened to tear their marriage apart.

Jeanne looked at him, "Since what Tony?"

He sighed and in a voice barely above a whisper said, "Since she lost our baby. She's been devastated. It's all that she can think about. She barely eats. Sleeps all the time and she hardly talks to me. It's as if she hates me. Anytime I try to touch her, she acts like I'm going to hurt her or give her some kind of disease. I don't know what to do anymore. It's killing me watching her go through this."

Jeanne nodded and whispered, "She probably blames herself. I know that I did."

Tony's head snapped up and he asked, "You did?"

She nodded and whispered, "I'm married now. We have two children. A little boy and girl. Before I had them, I had two miscarriages. I lost of total of three babies. How far along was she?"

"Sixteen weeks."

Jeanne nodded, "I was almost that far along both times."

"How did you get over it?"

"Time and lots of love from my husband. No matter how much I pushed him away, he refused to let me. He held me tight and let me cry on his shoulder. The real secret came when he brought home our dog. Well, he was a puppy at the time, but it gave me something to focus on besides my grief. It didn't happen overnight, but gradually I pulled out of it and came back to the people that loved me."

Tony smiled, "So basically I need to do everything that I haven't been doing. I've been letting her push me away. Maybe a dog isn't such a bad idea."

Jeanne smiled, "We have a miscarriage support group here at the hospital. I run it. It's on Wednesday nights at eight. We would love to have you both."

Tony nodded and whispered, "I think that might be a good idea. Although, I'm not sure if Ziva will think it's a good idea."

Jeanne smiled, "Honestly, she might not, but don't let her talk you out of coming. It will show her that there are other couples, other women that are going through that same thing. I know that it helped me."

"You really think a dog is a good idea?"

Jeanne smiled and said, "It couldn't hurt."

She reached down and grabbed his hand and gave his hand a squeeze. It was at that exact moment that Ziva walked into the room. Her eyes were full of panic, but when she saw Jeanne holding Tony's hand, her face fell and she dropped her purse. She put her hand to her mouth and whispered, "Abby called and..."

Jeanne let go of Tony's hand and said, "I'm Jeanne Matthews. I'm Tony's doctor. He's going to be just fine. I do need to talk to you privately."

Ziva's eyes narrowed, but she nodded and picked up her purse. She walked over to Tony's bed and kissed his cheek and whispered, "I love you."

Tony smiled, "I love you too ninja. Please don't ever forget that."

She nodded and turned to follow Jeanne out of the room. Jeanne led her to her office and waited until Ziva was seated. She smiled and said, "Tony told me about the loss of your baby. I'm truly sorry."

Ziva stiffened, "He should not have told you that. It is private."

"He didn't mean to. I kind of pulled it out of him. Listen, I want you to know that I understand where you are right now."

Ziva shook her head, "I seriously doubt that. You have two beautiful children. My arms will forever be empty."

Jeanne smiled softly, "I had two miscarriages. I lost three babies before I had my little angels."

"I should have taken care of myself better. Maybe then..."

Jeanne shook her head, "There's probably nothing you could have done. Most miscarriages happen because of nothing you've done. Regardless of whatever happened in your past. Trust me Ziva, there will be another chance. Once your past the grieving. I would love to see the babies that you and Tony have together."

Ziva smiled softly, "I do not know if I can risk another pregnancy. I am afraid that..."

Jeanne smiled, "Those fears are completely normal. It happens to all of us."

She leaned forward and gave Ziva a card. She smiled, "I told Tony about this support group. It's a group for couples that have lost a baby to a miscarriage. I hope that you would come. It will really help."

Ziva whispered, "I cannot find the strength to even get out of bed. It was only out of fear for Tony that brought me here."

Jeanne smiled, "I'd like to say that surprises me, but it doesn't. You will get through it."

"You are sure?"

"Just talk to Tony. Tell him what you're feeling. Remember, it was his baby too. He is probably grieving inside also."

Ziva looked at her, "I did not think about that. He does not act as if he even wants to talk about the baby."

"Unfortunately me aren't good at discussing their feelings. He's afraid that talking about the baby will upset you more."

"It upsets me that he does not want to talk about the baby."

"That's why this group is so important for your healing process. It will help both of you talk about your feelings. Please say that you will come?"

Ziva nodded and finally agreed, "I think it will be good for us. I am still heartbroken and I cannot seem to find the energy to get out of bed, but it is getting easier. Everyday it is easier to breathe. Sometimes, I can imagine us trying again. Other times, I am terrified of trying. Crazy, yes?"

Jeanne shook her head, "Not at all. It means that you are on your way to healing. To accepting that while these things happen, you can see that life can be worth living again. Tony loves you and I can tell that you love him. Don't lose that love that you have for each other. Talk to each other. Make sure you tell each other that you love each other. Remember that no matter what, you are in this together. Even if it feels like you are in it all by yourself."

Ziva looked at Jeanne and asked, "How can you be so nice to me? After what Tony did, I..."

Jeanne smiled, "Life has changed me. It has made me realize that I can't blame tony. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful babies. I wouldn't change them for the world."

Ziva smiled, "Thank you. For everything."

She smiled and said, "No need to thank me. Just come to the group tomorrow night."

Ziva nodded and promised, "We will be there. Can I see Tony?"

Jeanne nodded, "You can. Just talk to him and don't forget to tell him you love him. Because I know that you do."

Ziva nodded and smiled. She got up and walked into Tony's room. She sat down beside him and whispered, "I love you Tony. So very much! I have been afraid that you will not love me anymore. When I lost the baby, it was if I lost a part of myself. I felt as though I am being punished for my past. I have killed so many people."

Tony felt his throat close up. He whispered, "i wish you would have told me that. I felt like you didn't want me anymore. I've wanted to hold you for so long. I've heard you crying night after night and it nearly broke me in two. I didn't know what to say or do to help you. I love you Ziva."

She leaned down and kissed him softly. She felt her heart swell with love for her husband. She also felt the tears and the sob escaped her throat. Her first thought was to pull away, however, Tony pulled her close to him and said, "Let me share your pain. Let me hold you while you cry. Let me be your rock in the storm."

That was exactly what she needed to hear. She let all the tears out and cried for the longest time while he held her and stroked her back. Murmuring soothing words to her the entire time. He whispered, "I love you ninja. You are my heart. I will be here for you through it all."

She fell asleep in his arms for the first time in the longest time. Tony felt that the days ahead would be better. He smiled and closed his eyes and went to sleep.


End file.
